Clap Books

 

 

(New material added, February, 2009.)

 

This form of joke, with a fake book title and a fake author that combine to form a bad pun, has been around since I was little. As far as I know, it has never had a name. So, in 1983, when I started writing these things down, I coined the term clap book. Derivation is partly from chap book, an old term literally meaning cheap book, and partly from the clap, a slang term relating to something, shall we say, very embarrassing.

 

No, these are not real books!

 

(A collection of clap books previously appeared in the scholarly journal Maledicta, which I admittedly contributed to.)

 

Most clap books are outright filthy but here are some that are pretty tame:

 

 

Antlers in the Trees, by Hoo Goost the Moose

 

Indoor Snow, by Dan Druff

 

My Twenty-five Years in the Orchestra, by Tu Ning

 

Solomon and his Ten Hundred Wives, by R. U. Kidding

 

The Big Book of Word Puzzles, by Anna Graham

 

Scientific Analysis of the Erection, by Harry Pointer

 

The Hundred Mile Sprinter, by Shirley Aiken

 

The Great Cabbage Fart Panic of 1850, by Wyndam Gaseous

 

1001 Ways to Kiss, by Sharon Lips

 

Rock and Roll During the Vietnam Years, by Eva Destruction

 

The Rise and Fall of George W. Bush, by Warren Terra

 

A Bizarre Case of Cannibalism, by Severn Ladds and Lore Whattheyate

 

The Best Moonshiner in the World, by Al Coholic

 

How Prozac Saved my Life, by I. O. Dee

 

Secrets of Television Advertising, by Cleo Vidge

 

Everything I Learned in College, by Ada B.

 

101 Ways to Leave the Army, by D. N. Liszt

 

Positive Thinking, by Corinne Ann Barrett

 

Off the Cliff, by Eileen Toofar

 

The Blonde Leading the Blonde, by O. U. Ditz

 

I Hate the Sun, by Gladys Knight

 

Blood on the Gas Station Floor, by Who Pumped Ethyl

 

Prison Security, by Barb Dwyer

 

The Open Kimono, by Seymour Hairs

 

Wasted to the Max, by Iona Syringe

 

The Great American Pie-Eating Contest, by Willie Make-It and Betty Won't, with an afterword by Buddy Duzz

 

Russian Roulette, by Hugo First

 

The Heartbreak of Psoriasis, by Dr. Ivan Offelich

 

How I Won the Marathon, by Randy Holeway

 

The Nine-Year Engagement, by Cantaloupe O. Honeydew

 

When the Lion Attacked, by Claude Yarmoff

 

The Smelly Pizza, by Anne Chovies

 

Take this Job and Shove It, by Ike Witt

 

Biker Mama, by Helen Wheels

 

Fish Food, by Too Na

 

Two Weeks in the Saddle, by Major Assburn

 

How to Write a Big Big Book, by Warren Peace

 

The Devil Made Me Do It, by B. L. Zebub

 

The Sure Road to Hell, by Cardinal Sin

 

Rescued from the Racetrack, by Amah Whippet

 

The Great German Bank Robbery, by Hans Zupp

 

Terror in the Shower, by Harry Bott

 

Rid Yourself of Doubt . . . or Should You, by Ida Know

 

 

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